One of the biggest fears I had about getting married was that this person, with whom I would theoretically spend the rest of my life, would really get to know me. I mean, know me. That can be a disconcerting thought, if you've not been very close to many people.

I really had very few close relationships growing up. There were actually only about two people whom I considered to be close friends...with the definition of "close" being, I could drop my guard, and somewhat be myself. Baden was probably my first close friend. We were both artists, with aspirations of being famous comic strip creators. The other was Aggz, who was my companion during my foray into party animaldom. But even those two...when there were moments where I would start to open up, leave off the jokes and express some deeply ingrained angst from my psyche'...they would shift a little uncomfortably and mutter things like "yeah, I know how you feel.". Don't get me wrong...that's a good enough response when you're a teenage boy with a limited range of thought. But it was awkward enough to make me realize that I'd be better off just keeping those things in lock down. There's only so much of that part of me I can disclose.

I knew when I got married, this other person would see me...would glimpse the hidden stuff of me. Would she be okay with that? That was my fear anyway. Would I ever get to a place where I could blurt something out that felt important but sounded stupid, and not be afraid of how the other person would react?

That was my concern almost twenty one years ago. I'm not sure when it really dawned on me, and I don't know exactly how the process went, but I am close with this woman who is my wife. She knows me, I'm not afraid of her. She may roll her eyes when I act like a little kid and obsess over action figures, but I know the roll of her eye is affectionate, not judgmental. How did this happen? When did we get this close? When did I drop my guard and let the hidden me skitter out into the living room? I don't know. Maybe it was over time, maybe it was just one of those "soul-mate" things (even though I really don't believe in that concept as it is popularly described).

What I've come to understand is this: when I can be myself with this woman who knows me, and loves me still, I am free to be transparent anywhere else in life. If this is just a point of reference to help me understand my relationship with God, then the principle applies spiritually as well. Do I realize that God knows me? Have I quit playing "spiritual man" in order to win His approval? Have I come to the place where I can be myself, and sit quietly with Him, just enjoying His nearness as I ponder the day. This is what a close relationship is like with my wife...this is what I want with God.

It's been years, but I think I still have a few lingering legalist issues that plague me personally. It's like finding a trail of ants in the kitchen. At the first sight of one, you squish it...and then refocus your eyes and realize that there's a whole line of them leading toward the patio door. It's been taking some time, getting legalism out of my system...but it's my goal. Pure, raw, and real relationship with God. I won't settle for less.